My first Theory – looking back four months

23 Jul

my first theory of happiness

Hey everyone,

I know, an unexpected post from me. I said I wouldn’t write about my tasks for two weeks because of the vacation and everyone including me is way too busy with everything. But now I am sitting in my window and I thought by myself, why do I not take the time for myself to write another post about the last couple of months?
I keep apologizing to you why I am not writing, but the fact is, I was never supposed to write for you. I was supposed to write for myself. I did this for me, because I loved it. The reason why I put it online was because I could maybe inspire you by what I learn and experiences fulfilling these tasks.

Now the question is, am I really that busy that I cannot take a little time for myself and actually write because that is what I love? If I truly were that busy I would say: “stop right now, you are so busy you don’t even have time any more to do what you truly love to do: writing.” And I would ask myself: “If you cannot even do anymore what you love to do, then what are you doing it for in the first place?”. Which I think is a very fair question. Don’t we all do what we are doing to eventually do what we love? Shouldn’t that mean you should still have the possibility to do what you love while you are on the way? Otherwise you are not enjoying what you are doing, just to work towards a moment that you can enjoy. But here is one of the most important things I have learned from all these tasks over the past months: enjoying what you are doing right now, at any random given moment, that is what contributes to a happy life. Enjoying what you do, loving what you do through all the imperfections and challenges of life, still being able to do that, to do what you love, that is true happiness.

And that is my first theory of happiness.

On the 14th of March I posted about my second card and task 4. This card stated: ‘Write down three things you want to change about yourself in the upcoming months. Work on it step by step and in three months make another appointment with yourself.’ That should have been the 14th of June. Well, now we are more then a month later: just a little more then a quarter year later which is actually pretty nice. Now, sitting here in my window, enjoying the cooling evening after days and weeks of heat (who knew it was still possible), right now after discovering that this is what I love to do, I want to look back at those three things.

  1. My first and to me very important thing I wanted to change was that I wanted to become more secure, confident and trustworthy towards men. What you should know and I never told you was that I used to have a deep rooted fear towards men. This fear was not rational at all, not logical, but it had probably been there for as long as I can remember. That’s why I didn’t even realize it was there for so long. And quite frankly not a lot of people noticed it was there either. It was difficult for me when I finally realized that I was in general afraid for all (with a very few exceptions) men in my life. My default status was fear. No mater how old they were, although with age the fear increased as well, or were I had met them. No matter if they were friends of the family or students I met at university, I was always afraid. This realization and my decision to face it came when I met a guy who was very special to someone who is very dear to me. And I knew instantly there was nothing wrong with this guy. He was and still is sweet and nice and nothing, no thought, not even any gut-feeling or how you want to call it, told me he was dangerous. But still somewhere deep inside there was this fear. I decided right then and there that I wanted to change that. That was just a week or two before I got card number two and wrote that post. Now here I sit, four months later and I have worked my ass of in ways that some of you cannot even image, some might not understand and some of you would not believe in half of it, it doesn’t matter. Because for me it worked. In four months I have become secure, confident and trustworthy towards men. My deep rooted fear towards every man on this planet has gone. I recognized it today when this guy walked by and out of nowhere I felt instantly afraid towards this guy. I looked around towards all the other men that were there, all strangers out in the city of Maastricht and none of them triggered any fear except for this one guy. Then I concluded two things: 1. My fear was gone! It was not there anymore by default but somehow this person triggered it. 2. If a guy triggers fear in me now, I make dam sure I have nothing to do with this person. Because now it is gut feeling, now it is intuition and now I have to listen to it. So very proudly I can conclude I have changed myself to the better in this aspect. 🙂
  2. The second thing I wanted to change was to become more secure about my body. Well to be honest this still continues to be a topic that has up’s and downs. Some days I wake up and I look at myself and I go like, ‘why cant you do more sports?’ why cant you just be thinner?’ other days, more frequently I go and say ‘what the hell are you grumbling about, you are fine, you are beautiful, enjoy and be happy that you have such a fine and healthy body’. I have reached a new high (which I also wrote about some weeks ago) dealing with this topic. This gave me something new to strive for because I want to feel like that every morning when I wake up and I look into the mirror. And already having experienced that, made it all worth it 🙂
  3. The third thing I wanted to change was the fact that I wanted to become more disciplined about writing my book. I have to smile when I think of this. Because even though I did not do this half as much as I wanted to I did make some great progress: my first book is going to be published on Friday, yes this Friday the 26th and I am moving to the city where my next book is plotted. So how great is that? And not to worry, this new book is in English and it will not take me nine years to complete it.

So that was what I wanted to say about those things. This task definitely helped me and made me more aware of who I am and who I want to be. Time to finish up this unexpected post.

Hope you all enjoy some of the cool air tonight, experience love towards what you do and enjoy the random moments of the day.

I know I do much more!




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